the new, annotated list of diseases I might have!

Hey… that was funny!  I shouldn’t be joking about this. Or maybe that’s precisely what I should be doing.  It feels uncomfortable to talk about and joking can help with that.  But what I really want is not to think about it for a while.  Maybe I’m under a lot of stress, sure, but why not crawl out from under it once in a while?

Anyway, the big thing is that I might have genital herpes.  I hadn’t considered it a possibility until my doctor suggested it… I’ve never seen any sores or ’shedding’ (what they call it when the sores heal and the dead skin is shed)… But apparently you can have asymptomatic HSV.  This is pretty scary to me as it brings into full consideration the physical impact my actions, and specifically sexual ones, have on other people.

I also haven’t decided who I’m going to tell and who I’m not going to…  As it’s on my mind a lot I’ve mentioned it to a few friends that it doesn’t immediately concern to vent some steam. I guess the need to decide who to tell this information to and who not to is based on a fear of judgement.  I’m also wondering if I’m responsible to alert all my sexual partners since the pain started occuring (this summer sometime?) which is vague enough.  But it’s also really hard to say ‘I might have gential herpes, so go get tested.’  I’ve tried really hard to consider what it would be like to know for sure and have to tell people, and I still feel like this is harder.  But then… I’m not in that position, am I?

On top of the whatever-it-is that’s happening in my vag; the muscles in my back are tight as SHIT and painful, I’m on antibiotics for a swollen lymph node, my ankles still ache from their respective sprains, and as of last night I developed heartburn… out of nowhere.

The good news is that my brain is all gravy, which is the part of me I really expected to be fucked up this year, overall… Go brain!

Alright, I’m sick of talking about health.  If I write one more health related sentence I’m going to puke.

It is slightly less than a week, now, that I will be seeing Keli and Hany…  I’m so excited. I’m also a little curious as to why Keli has been so out of touch… I sent a few group emails that I had hoped she would respond to, but nothing specifically to her, so it’s not like she had (shall we say it?) a duty to write back or anything. I’ve missed her, maybe especially since we’re still getting to know eachother, and I’m hungry for more contact. Which will happen one way or another soon enough…

Cristian emailed me yesterday/last night.  It’s a really sweet email and it made me laugh because I felt so at a loss as to what to do about it…

I’m glad I decided to come home.  These few days I’m ready to spend alone, taking care of myself and my space, making art and loving the kittens; it feels really good.  I love having space, and I won’t for a while after this.  It’s only three days, anyway.  Tomorrow – I might even go to the gym!!!  Boy is it going to feel great to go again.